Grief is the Honorable Choice

People are very good at denial.  They cannot see the truth in front of them. It seems so ridiculous... when somebody else is doing the denying.  We can all deny the plain truth in favor of a cherished illusion.

Denial protects us from truths we believe are too painful to bear.  It also prevents us from taking wise and effective action.  In order to address a predicament as effectively as we can, we must first admit that it exists.  In order to let go of cherished, and false, narratives in favor of a far less comforting reality, we must grieve the loss of those easy, false stories.

As the U.S. confronts racism, with its deep wounds on our national identity and on the bodies and souls of those oppressed, our choices are denial or grief.  Grief frees us to face the ugly chasm between our founding principles and the reality of systemic oppression, and releases our vision to bridge that chasm. Grief is the honorable choice.

The Lost Words Blessing

Sometimes to help us touch our grief, we play "The Lost Words Blessing" at GGC Circles.

The song was inspired by "The Lost Words," a book of art and poetry supposedly for children. It was created to honor words describing nature that were deleted from the 2007 Oxford Junior Dictionary, since the editors deemed that they had fallen out of use. Here is a moving review.

Compassionate Witness

In Grief Gratitude and Courage Circles we practice being witnesses for one another.  A witness does not have to fix, explain, or take responsibility for another's grief.  We don't even have to fully understand it. We simply listen, accept, and care.  Witnessing builds our compassion muscles.  Witnessing is a sacred act, showing that we value the speaker and the experience they share.  When grief is witnessed, the griever can find the words to describe what they experience, and trust that they can bear the pain.  When are gratitude and courage are witnessed, we can celebrate together.

Widen the Circle

Grief is our common bond. 

Opening to our sorrow connects us with everyone, everywhere. 

It is sacred work.
– Francis Weller

As the news cycle swirls around us, delivering us a torrent of tragedies and outrages, along with signs of hope, there has never been a better time to honor our grief.  I created Grief Gratitude and Courage Circles to help people honestly confront those losses that we have little other means to grieve: losses from pandemic, economic dislocation, ecological destruction, social failures. Grieving together, we find strength, healing and creative power. 

I am excited to announce that Yoojin Lee has received a grant to guide GGC Circles for activists.  The circle is widening.  Please help it continue to widen by sharing GGC with people and organizations who might benefit from it.

Good Grief

I wrote these words at the end of March, as Grief Gratitude and Courage was taking shape.

I woke up way too early. I laid in bed with my head spinning.  It didn’t stop until the tears started.  I was going through a prayer list in my head, of what I long for in the face of this pandemic.  When I got to health care workers, the dam burst.  They willingly meet and intimately tend people carrying contagion. And in so many places they have been – or will be– poorly deployed, overwhelmed, under-protected, and working past exhaustion. They will probably die in higher numbers than the rest of us.  So I grieve for them, and for their families.  This is the second grief wave that’s hit me in the past week.  My family knows not to worry; they’re used to it.  

Good grief.  There is such a thing.  Why not become acquainted with it now? Nobody I know has yet lost a loved one, but we have lost weddings and funerals and graduations and spring vacations, and many are losing work and financial security too.  We are social animals– we are just beginning to realize the magnitude of the losses we face in social distancing, let alone isolation. All on top of losing the basic safety and daily structure of our lives that most of us have taken for granted. 

Our society does not give people permission to grieve the loss of a loved one properly, let alone the losses we are experiencing now. Don’t go there, we are taught.  Accentuate the positive.  Eliminate the negative.  I see it differently.  Go there, have a good vent or cry, and if you can help it, don’t stay there.  A good cry cuts through worry and fear and guilt and leaves me in touch with my heart.  I see the world with new eyes.  Everything a gift, not to be taken for granted.  And I am ready to reach out, well virtually mostly, to support others.

Good grief is a skill we can learn.  And grieving is easier to bear in company.  So send me an email if you want to join a Good Grief (small) Group.  I’ll facilitate.  Virtual, of course.  Sigh. Be patient as I learn the art of video/phone conferencing… 

Perspective

Saddleback Mountain, photo by Rachel Whitt

Here is my perspective:  grieving is not something to be avoided.  It is normal and healthy.  It is not fun, but after a good cry I feel a sense of relief.  

This is heresy to all the people who avoid "negativity."  That is to say, most everybody I know. So when we experience loss, in addition to the pain of the loss, we have the pain of all the people deflecting or minimizing or avoiding our grief.  And maybe avoiding us too.

What if we changed our perspective, and recognized grief as something sacred and beautiful.  After all, we grieve what we value and love.  Our grief honors that value and love. And our grief also helps us begin to process a loss as our rational minds really can't do.

A Hospice Situation

In October 2015, my sister sent me a video of Dad "sleeping peacefully" after a medical crisis.  I'm so grateful she did, because that recording of Cheyne-Stokes end-of-life breathing was my emergency notice to fly cross-country.  Because of that video, I was able to be at Dad's bedside when he died three days later.  Accompanying him on his last journey was a gift and a privilege for me.  I in turn was accompanied in my vigil by an experienced guide: a hospice nurse.

Many metaphors have been offered for climate crisis.  The one that works best for me is hospice.   Our culture, and much of the life on our planet, is in a hospice situation.